I just Cane't

I made myself watch Cane again.

Que paquete.

I’m not even going to get into the fact the main character (Jimmy Smits) is a murderer, or that the balsero sounds like he has marbles in his mouth, or that ew, the main Cubanita marries her adopted brother. I just want to let the Cane writers know that this ain’t no Cuban family drama.

You want Cuban family drama? (Forgive me while I stereotype my people…) How’s this:

The under-age niña going off to the nightclub without a chaperona? Por favor. And then she does ecstasy and her uncle finds out, but doesn’t give her a shake right then, drag her over to her madre and send them both home? There would be yelling and arm-waving and threats of boarding school for days. For days!

Hector Elizondo’s patriarch character hands the reins over to his son and lets him make all the multimillion-dollar decisions. Really? While there is still breathe in him? Cuban fathers are made of opinions. Letting go isn’t really in the DNA. And if the character was based on a real Cuban, he also would have given that snotty younger son quite the verbal palisa.

And finally, I have yet to see Rita Moreno say an “Ay, Dios Mio’’or “Bendito” Listen, if it was my mother’s grandchild who was going off to fight in Iraq, she’d be santiguando the boy and lighting candles to all the saints. She also hasn’t nagged, martyred or slapped anyone upside the head. ¿Que pasa with that?

And seriously, where’s all the screaming? And the laughing. We are funny, you know.

So, Cane people, call me…I have alotta material for ju.